Sorta, almost, moving in that direction I think. It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve written because, honestly, I haven’t had any progress to report. All that going-forward-gutsy-I-can-do-this seems to have disappeared. Back are gray-moving-toward-black clouds. Getting out of bed? A challenge. Classes? Haven’t attended one in two weeks. The mountain? Twice in the last couple weeks. Looking for a job? Are you kidding?!
So, I hunkered down, trying, trying, trying to figure it out. And found I couldn’t. I finally made new counseling appointments. Tomorrow at noon we start again, this time with a shrink, not a counselor; with drugs most likely instead of my own grit. Grit isn’t cutting it.
I’ve accepted that I’m not enough to deal with this. A few happy thoughts to reverse my negative thinking aren’t enough. Uplifting classes aren’t enough. Maybe it’s because I let the pain simmer so long; let it permeate my core. Think skin cancer. Caught early, some topical meds can burn the lesions off. Left alone, it grows and festers and takes over all your healthy cells. Then, only aggressive surgery saves you from death.
Since I went the backward route and failed at death, I guess that suggests that I’m meant to turn it over to ”surgeons” who can delve into my psyche and find the drugs and therapies necessary to return my mental health. I now have to trust - their skills, their drugs, their analysis of me. It leaves me feeling defeated. I must be weak. I must be a loser. I must be… nothing good if I can’t even fix me.
I know that’s not the case. I know depression isn’t a character flaw. Intellectually, I know this. Emotionally, that’s not what I’m feeling. At least intellect has won this round. With help, I hope intellect will once again rule my brain and those “surgeons” find a way to install some brakes on my emotional rollercoaster.
So, I wish you a Happy Thanksgiving. If you have your mental health, give thanks. If yours is slipping, give yourself an early Christmas present. Get help. And, if you know someone who seems to need support, give them an early present. Reach out – alot. Chances are they won’t let you in the first, or second, or even twentieth time, yet each effort might be the one that stops their freefall.
The mind IS a terrible thing to waste. Don’t let it happen in your world.
I’ve just started on my road to recovery, have attended 2 SLAA meetings and am on the verge of withdrawl….. Im dreading it; i feel sick to my stomach. I wish you well on your journey
By: Sculptress on November 27, 2008
at 5:44 pm
You did not “fail” at death, your will to “live” was just stronger than even you knew! It is not easy to “fight” the “demons” in our heads and it is true that some need a more aggressive approach when confronting them. But as I say to my students..always “utilize the resources that are available to you” and I believe that is what you are doing by reaching out to the medical field. You are such a “women of strenght” and it is my hope that some day soon you will allow that strenght to shine thru the darkness that has enveloped you. Take care my friend…I have missed seeing you at the center…
Linda aka drlew aka emaleth
By: emaleth on December 15, 2008
at 2:05 pm